It hurts

For so many years I kept my guard up not allowing anybody to get close to me. Then scared as heck I let it down little by little buying into that I was worth attention and affection from somebody else. That I was OK and could be liked for who I was. That I was a beautiful fun loving woman who actually could attract men. Getting more and more confident I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t get hurt, but I did. Of course. And it hurts. It hurts very much. What’s left is fond memories, a blog and trying to remember how to use adverbs correctly.

Mum’s back in town

Or next month really. She and her husband will move into a house only 10 minutes from me. To be honest I have very mixed feelings about it. Not that I believe that either of them will be banging on my door night and day, but somehow it feels too close. Every since I moved away from home 15 years ago they have either been on the other side of town or as for the last four years 2½ hours away.

She called yesterday to say that they would be around my place in 15 minutes to drop of some things. My immediate thought was to check if my flat was tidy enough. If there were any things lying around that she would ask about. If my bed was made and if the bathroom was clean enough. When she had left I asked myself was what the heck I was doing. I’m 35 years old and I’m still afraid of what mum thinks. She means well, I know and I’m her only "real" daughter, but still. It’s weird, the mother-daughter relationship.

Stress relief

The last week has been one hech of week. Stress and pressure went through the rooftop more or less every day and in the end it almost made my physical ill. (Something is wrong when all of your body is trembling and your heartbeats are so loud you think something is going to pop and this is just when you’re brushing your teeth.) Reading Gabrielle Reece’s very simple tips on how to beat stress on Thursday night I couldn’t agree more and at the same time realise that I haven’t done any of those things properly the last couple of months.

1. Exercise.
2. Eat the real stuff
3. Notice
4. Get it off your chest
5. Keep your sense of humour
6. Stay grateful
7. Ask, "What's the hurry?"
8. Take a deep breath
9. Keep it simple
10. Turn of the TV
11. Sleep
12. Drink water

And really, what is the most important thing in my life right now? Me.

10 000 bars of chocolate

According to a British documentary the average person will eat over 10 000 bars of chocolate, shed over 121 pints of tears and have sex over 4 200 times.

The programme's producer Nick Nick Watts came up with the idea for the documentary three years ago while having a pint of beer in a pub wondering much how full a swimming pool would become if he tipped all the beer he drank in a lifetime into it. One of the weirder things that have come out of a visit to the pub I might say. But never less a fun idea when realised.

The show takes viewers on a journey from babyhood, when we get through 3 796 nappies and produce 254 litres of urine, through to old age and death, by which time we will have eaten 10 866 carrots, taken 7 163 baths and passed wind an average of 15 times a day.

Apparently we will know 10 people who committed suicide, nine who died in road accidents and one in a fire.

View more average vital statistics

Quote of the day

What’s the worst time to quit? When the pain is the greatest. Decisions made during great pain are rarely good decisions.

Seth Godin – The Dip: A Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick)

No lessons on Holocaust

Reading headlines like that upsets me deeply. Apparently schools in the UK are dropping controversial subjects from history lessons - such as the Holocaust and the Crusades - because teachers do not want to cause offence, Government research has discovered.

What is wrong with people? Not everything in life is pretty. The history of mankind is definitely not pretty, but still everybody needs to know about it. Denying Holocaust is crime in many European country so what is not teaching our children about Holocaust then?

Via The Bewilderness

Spring-cleaning gone too far

Some transport workers in London took the word spring-cleaning a bit further a couple of weeks ago. They painted over a mural by world-renowned graffiti artist Banksy, erasing a piece of art estimated to be worth £250 000. Oops, big oops!

Being one of the most famous graffiti paintings by Banksy showing a scene from the movie Pulp Fiction it was spray-painted on the side of an electricity substation around five years ago.

Transport for London, whose workers white-washed the mural near the Old Street tube was unapologetic, saying its policy was to remove all graffiti that created an atmosphere of "neglect and social decay".

"We recognise that there are those who view Banksy's work as legitimate art, but sadly our graffiti removal teams are staffed by professional cleaners not professional art critics," it said in a statement.

So what’s left to say?! Everybody’s taste in art is different?

UK ID cards

Every time I hear about how angry the people in the UK are over the ID card scheme I start to wonder what there is to be so angry about. Living in a country where everybody gets a number at birth and that number follows you as a "reference" through out life I can’t see the big deal. Having said that I realise how much it sounds like a police state.

The government knows everything about your comings and goings, any illness and disability leave, unemployment and employment, income and taxes, any children and spouses and so on. But it doesn’t bather me. It has always been like that and will be. Nobody will meddle with my life as long as I live peacefully and quiet.

Hm, I guess there you have it. As long as I live peacefully and quiet, otherwise the government will step in… It does sound bad I know, but it could have been a lot worse and somehow we all just live with it. Big Brother is a normal part of our lives. But still that doesn’t mean that I like it all the time.

Meetings

I spend lot of my time in meetings and with marketing people so reading Seth Godin’s definitions of different type of meetings made me smile and nod at the same time. He’s right on.

Just so everyone knows: This is a meeting in which one person or small group tells other people what's already been decided and is about to happen. These meetings should always have a written piece to go with them, and in many cases, it should be distributed a day before the meeting. The meeting should be very short, take place in an auditorium type setting, not a circle, and have focused Q&A at the end. Even a quiz. It's the football huddle, and the running back isn't supposed to challenge the very premises the quarterback is using to call the play.

What are you up to: This is a meeting in which every participant needs to present the state of their situation. It probably happens on a regular basis and each person should have a strict time limit. Like two minutes (with an egg timer). After presenting the situation, each attendee can send their summary in an email to one person, who can sum it up and send it out to everyone.

What does everyone think? In third place, a meeting where anyone can speak up. People who don't speak up on a regular basis should not be invited back. It's obvious they are good at some other function in the office, so you're wasting their time if they sit there.

We need a decision right now: These are ad hoc meetings that have a specific agenda and should end with a decision. A final decision that doesn't get reviewed.

Hanging out meetings: These are meetings with no real agenda, lots of side conversations, bored people, people instant messaging and just sort of hanging out. Sometimes these are fun, but I wouldn't know, because I haven't been to one in three years.

To hear myself talk meetings: You get the idea.

I’m good

Today at work it was time for the first major presentation for the big wigs in the project I’ve been working on for the last two months. So far it has just been three colleagues and me as core group, but with today presentation people from all over the company will be involved on different levels. I usually don’t worry about talking in front of people or do presentations, but today I was a bit nervous or maybe I should say tense. Actually I think all of us were. But everything went perfect. They bought in on everything we said and agreed on continue support the project and its changes. Very exciting.

My project got the most praise and acclaim, which felt very nice. But somehow I have a hard time receive compliments and praise. The first thing that always goes through my mind is that it can’t be right. They can’t really mean that because I’m not that good or special. But today after having the 3rd or 4th person telling me what a excellent job I’ve done some I decided that yes I’m worth it. I deserve this kind of praise. Just like anybody else.

Reading Yahoo’s horoscope for fun today it actually said the same. You’ve earned it.

Your latest achievement has not gone unnoticed by some people who could be called celebrities in your world. You should be even prouder than you are. It's time you looked in the mirror and saw what you are instead of what you are not. Giving your opinion more often to more people is not a bad thing -- especially when you know what you are talking about! Revel in this acclaim -- you've earned it!

One of my colleagues also gave me a surprising, but very nice compliment today. I was wearing my grey checked suite and pink shirt along with high heels. An outfit that makes me feel both confident and comfortable. I was talking to another colleague during a quick break when he passed by and said: I just have to tell you that you look so good today. Or really, you actually look hot in that suit. You’re one good-looking woman today!

That compliment really made my day and will be something that I will live on for a long time. Especially since I know he really meant it. I'm all right. I'm OK. I'm good.

Quote of the day

The important thing is not to stop questioning.

~ Albert Einstein ~

The Highwaymen

This is country music at it’s very best. Even though it’s been a long time since I heard the Highwaymen the guitar intro got me the very fist minute. One after another they sing - Willie Nelson, Chris Christopherson, Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash. It’s a classic!

Old and new

The Londonist has a great old photo today showing Ludgate Circus looking east towards St. Paul’s. Most everything has changed in the last 75 years, but one very beautiful thing remains – St Paul’s Cathedral.

Pat on the back

I went to the gym today. Looking in the calendar I haven’t been there since early March and now it is mid April, so I really deserve a pat on the back. On top of that I left work at 4:30 pm something that haven’t happened in the last month or so either.

Can’t say I did a super workout, but it’s way better than not going at all. I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill walking some, running some and walking some. I’ve real wanted to go out running now when the weather is so nice and I did try on Saturday, but ended sounding like an old kettle wheezing. Spring weather means pollen and pollen makes my throat and nose itch and I start wheezing. It comes like a total surprise to me every year, even though I really should know better by now. Lets just hope that the air have cleared some in three weeks when I will do the annual 5K women’s spring race. I really don’t expect to run this year since I’m very far from being fit right now, but at least I’ll participate and the money goes to a good cause.

I stepped on the scale at the gym as well and to my surprise I hadn’t gained a gram since the last time I weighed myself. I used to say that what you weigh is just a number. It’s how you feel about yourself that matters, so in reality I should not be happy since my body has really changed the couple of months. I’m not toned at all and I just feel quite doughy. But instead I’m happy that I haven’t gained. Oh, those little mind games the scales plays on you. I hate them so very much.

I know I’m very, very much skating on thin ice now and should start caring about myself, my body and what I eat. Instead I moan and groan about it for a while like most women out there and I try for a while before I fall off the wagon. Again. Sort of pathetic really. Where did my willpower go? Where did my motivation go? Why is food my best friend in the world?

What remains

Earlier this afternoon I finished reading the book What remains: A memoir of fate, friendship and love by Carole Radziwill. I started reading it on the plane to London earlier this week but I wasn’t able to finish on my way home. Which in this case was very good since the last part of the book really made cry and I don’t mean shading a tear or two. I was really bawling and squalling.

Carole Radziwill tells the story of losing her husband to cancer just three weeks after the tragic death of Carolyn and John Kennedy Jr. Carolyn being her best friend and John the cousin of Carole’s husband Anthony Radziwill.

It is a sad story and we all know how it’s going to end, but at the same time it is a very honest and sincere story dealing with the deeply conflicting and confusing emotions surrounding illness and death and probably one of the reasons why the book moved me so much. Even though only being a teenager I remember very well my dad ‘s battle with cancer and the endless visits to doctors and hospitals. Just another round of chemo. Just another surgery. Just this. Just that. Then everything will be fine again. Hope is the last thing to die. Carole describes exactly everything to the tee.

The book also gives us a rare insight of the Kennedy way of life and the last moments before that fatal crash. All in all it’s a beautiful book about friendship, love and loss and a very good read. Just be prepared to bring out the tissues in the end.

No books, sure right…

A must for me every time in London is visiting a bookstore, but this time I decided not to. Main reason being that I already have way too many books waiting to be read. Also with having so many unread books it has made me buy the same book twice. Sort of embarrassing, but I just don’t remember a book if I haven’t read it.

Getting through security at Heathrow quite fast on Thursday morning I suddenly had more time on my hand than expected and after my usual grande latte at Caffe Italia I wandered next door to Borders. Just to have look. Sure right…

A couple of minutes later I had already decided I was going to buy Life’s pitch by Stephen Bayley and Roger Mavity. The saying on the cover had me immediately - How to be businesslike with your emotional life and emotional with your business life.

Next to the business section was the history section and right in front of me was London the biography by Peter Ackroyd on display. A book I’ve looked at several times, but the book has always been in hardcover and with a +800 pages that is not something one put in a suitcase. This time though it was a paperback issue so right there and then I decided to buy it as well

I could easily have browsed around some more, but knowing myself that was not a good idea. And besides that I had a flight to catch back to Sweden.

Strolling in Holborn

Last night was a lovely evening in London with unusual warm weather. After a long day of meetings I met up with Philip and we took a nice stroll up to Holborn ending up at a pub across the street from British Museum.

As usual our conversation covered most everything from the latest in British politics to the cricket World Cup to philosophy, travels and the Internet. While talking about the Internet Philip brought up a phenomena just starting in the UK – Politicians having their own Facebook pages and being part of the ever growing social networking. Even though just starting it will be interesting to see whether it will have an impact on politics and its lobbying business or not, and of course if it will come to Sweden. Here the mainstream media still think that politicians who keep a blog are the uttermost of social media.

Interesting conversations demands food so while the sun was setting we walked back to the West End and a Indonesian Malaysian restaurant called Bali Bali. A place we have walked by several times and wanted to try, but it has either been closed or full. Something that might be one of the reasons why we didn’t find the food as good as we had anticipated. But still the food was totally OK and we left both happy and satisfied. And very tired I might add. Looking at each other over the table we both realised that we were knackered and most of all just wanted to go home and sleep. Something that made at least me think – What the heck are we doing working so much and so hard? Is it really worth it? But that’s a totally different question or post.

Another Browne in trouble

Once again a Browne is in trouble in the UK. But this time it’s the Defence Secretary Des Browne.

After almost two weeks 15 British navy personnel being kept as hostages in Iran were finally released last week from captivity. A very happy ending even thought I consider the release very much being a media coupe staged by the Iranian president.

A couple of days later some of them appeared in newspapers and on television talking about their ordeals. Very surprising since they belong to the military and even though how tempting it is to talk one do not do that. They had of course also gotten paid which made the things even worse. The outcry in Britain was a fact. I personally think it’s “cheap” journalism to pay people who have been through something extraordinaire. Those people are easy targets and have not yet realised what they been through, but as always money makes people talk.

So today after days of criticism including coming from his own PM Defence Secretary Des Browne decided to take the heat by saying: Blame me for Iran stories fiasco. And presto another Browne was in trouble.

Back to London

I’m going back to London today after very nice and relaxing Easter weekend. Although very cold and actually snowy. Looking at the weather report it looks like London is going to give me warm welcome though with temperatures around 18-20 degrees. I like. I like very much. Just need to figure out what cloths to brings. I’m still very much into heavy jumpers and scarves. Or maybe I just need to go shopping (again)?! Oxford Street and Regent Street are always nice to visit…

Poor old England

Once again England has lost to Australia in cricket. This time in the Cricket World Cup, which has been going on in the West Indies since early March.

England needs to win the two remaing matches against Bangladesh and South Africa to be able to qualify for the semi-finals later this month. Australia on the other hand looks like they might be on their way to win the World Cup for the third time. Still not really sure about what cricket is all about I can only say - May the best team win!

Elk steak and Syrah

My elk steak on Saturday turned out just fabulous. It shrunk a little bit in the oven, which was expected, but basting over and over kept the steak moist. The basting also turned out to be the perfect base for the sauce. Adding some cream and red wine and letting boil for a while the taste of game really came out. I also made favourite home made potato au gratin with garlic and cream. (Yes more cream. This meal was not diet one…) To not forget about vegetables totally I boiled some broccoli and made a mixed salad.

This very superb meal I opted for a nice bottle of red. Looking in my cellar (i.e. closet) I found a Concannon Syrah that I bought last autumn trying to broaden my taste of wines from California. Quite dark red colour going to purple and with notes of oak and blackberries this turned out to be a perfect choice. The earth and leather flavours also mixed very well with some of the "forest" flavours coming out of game meat.

All and all a very lovely meal, where I learnt how to cook elk and found a new Californian vineyard to try out.

Happy Easter!

Today is a cold, but bright Easter Sunday morning. It started snowing yesterday afternoon and kept going for most of the evening. For a while I think we all thought everything was going to get covered up again. But thank God the ground was too warm so it didn’t stay. As my old grandma used to say: Spring has to have at least one setback before everything starts to flourish. So I guess that’s were we are right now. Another reason to just stay in.

Good food and restaurants

London being a multicultural city there is always plenty of different restaurants to choose from. Everything from the simplest sandwich bar to high-class restaurants serving Guide Michelin cuisine. So last week the foodie in me really got satisfied by trying a lot of new places and dishes.

Past Brown
Next to Covent Garden two of my colleagues and I found this very relaxed pasta restaurant perfect for chilling out after a hard day’s work. My cannelloni came straight from the oven and the ricotta and spinach filling were just perfect. Some lovely dry Pinot Grigio also did the trick for a very nice and girly evening out.

Belgo Centraal
Back in 2000 my friend Jo took me here for moules and friters. We also managed to end up in a photo shot for Condé Nast Traveller and got quite a few shots as a thank you. This time my London colleague brought us here for some real nice Belgian steaks and golden crisp friters. As desert I opted for home made pistachio ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. Pure divine.

Palms of Goa
As an Englishman Philip is quite fond of Indian food or a curry as one says. Wherever we go in central London it seems like he knows a great curry house to eat. (Needless to say he does know other places as well…) On Friday night he, his friend Michael and I went to a small Soho backstreet restaurant specialising in Goan food. I tried something called Chicken Cafreal. A dish very much influenced by the Portuguese settlement in Goa. Tender chicken breast marinated in hot sauce and then grilled with spring onions and peppers. Very fresh and nice, and different from the creamy sauces that Indian food usually comes with.

My Old Dutch
Another great find of Philip for lunch on Saturday. Gigantic Dutch sweet pancakes with different fillings. He went for salmon and I for asparagus. Both very delicious and filling. I actually didn’t clean my plate, which is very rare. The pancakes were served on genuine Delftware plates and the whole restaurant felt very Dutch with tulips, wood furniture and the colour of orange of course. The only thing I didn’t see was clogs or any clog dancing. But maybe that is something that only goes on in the evening?!

After spending the afternoon on Hampstead Heath we ended up at local Vietnamese restaurant in Hackney. On the way over there we also had a couple of drinks at a very strange bar on Brick Lane. Afghan meets India who meets kitschy English DIY bar. The crowd there was as mixed as the setting with Asians, other Swedes (they seem to be everywhere in London) Brits and Germans. You just name it.

I’ve heard about restaurants where you have to bring your own drinks since they don’t have a licence, but I have never experienced one. The Vietnamese restaurant was exactly one of those places so Michael had to pop over to the off-licence next door to get drinks. For the first time in my life I tried seaweed, which is suppose to be very good for you. But being deep-fried I’m not sure how good it really was. It didn’t taste much though. Just very crunchy and a bit salty. The biggest surprise of the evening was probably the check. For both starters and main courses we paid £ 10 each. What a bargain! OK, that was without drinks, but for me only used to central London prices it was a quite a pleasant surprise.

A great invention

I just spent the last 40 minutes talking to my Texas friend Holly over the phone. Per usual very nice and fun. Not everybody is privileged to have a Texan sistah.

The greatest thing is actually that it doesn’t sound or feel like we are on the opposite sides of the Atlantic when we talk. The phone line is always very clear without any statistic or echoing. So I guess one really ought to say that the phone is very good invention. It brings people together…

Hampstead Heath

For many, many years Hampstead Heath in north London has been a place I really want to visit. I’m not really sure why, but over the years I’ve been told how beautiful and serene the area is even though it’s right in the middle of the bustling city. Of course the view from Parliament Hill is also something I heard about and seen numerous times in films and on TV. On Saturday afternoon Philip and I went up there and it really was everything I expected and some more. Still being spring and quite windy (or really windy on top of Parliament Hill) I can imagine how nice it would be in the summer. I think I’ve found a new London haven.

Spring

Arriving in London last week seeing all the spring flowers felt like coming in from the tundra to a much warmer and happier place. While waiting for Philip on Saturday morning I snapped some lovely pictures at the Embankment Gardens. Back here in Sweden the trees have just slightly started to turn green, which means it will probably take another month or so before everything is flowering. So until then London spring flowers have to do.

Five-day weekend

Today I’ve been enjoying the first day of a five-day weekend and it feels soooooo good. I did wake up at 5 am this morning thinking of all things that needs to be done at work, but I managed to go back to sleep and with no alarm clock going off an hour later I managed to sleep until 9. Very nice.

I haven’t really got any plans for the Easter weekend besides just relax and do nothing. The weather is going to be quite chilly and windy so that’s my chance for staying inside and catch up on my reading. I’m also cooking to cook. For the last week or so it seems like I’ve been eating out or take away every single day. Convenient yes, but very boring. On Saturday I’m planning on making an elk steak in the oven. I’ve been told it should be like making a roast beef, but still I’m very exciting how it will turn out. Tonight I’m making risotto with fresh asparagus and loads of Parmesan. Things can’t really get any better than that. At least for a while.

Mushroom for your face

For the last two years or so I have really come to like product from Origins. Since you still can’t buy their products here in Sweden I usually stock up while in London. My favourite shop is the one at Neal Street, Covent Garden where it actually seems like the sales people are starting to recognize me. Or maybe they are just being polite…

Going in there on Friday afternoon I was going to buy my usual things, but while I was there I thought I would ask about a good moisturiser. My poor face has been extremely dry all winter. Red, itchy and more or less just cracking up the minute I leave the shower. Every day I’ve been more or less thinking about doing something about it, but I have never gotten around. Instead I’ve been using that same old moisturiser that hasn’t really helped.

The sales girl took one look at my face and then recommended Dr. Andrew Weil’s products with Mega-Mushroom. Being in a bit of a shopping mood I decide to try the Eye Serum, Face Serum and Face Cream. Now four days later I can really see and feel a different in my face. Most of all my face is smooth, almost silk like and redness has really calmed down. Having lunch with a colleague today she asked if I had put on summer glow foundation since my skin had such a nice shine and glow. But no I hadn’t. I’ve just been using Mega-Mushroom. And I will for a while. If my face feels good I feel good.

Not easy being Brown

Every time I’ve been to London over the last year it seems like Chancellor Gordon Brown has caused yet another debate. As a foreign bystander one must simply wonder what is wrong with this man who is said to succeed Tony Blair at 10 Downing Street.

The latest mess he have gotten in to appear to be that he ignored warnings over the impact of changes he made to pension funds in his first budget back 1997. According to pension experts the tax credit cut was a contributory factor in the decline of Britain's once-generous company final salary schemes.

On Friday the Treasury released documents showing that Chancellor Brown was warned the move would cost pension funds between 3 and 4 billion pounds a year and cut the value of their assets by 50 billion pounds. To add to all of this it also occurs like Brown have been trying to bury the news while the Parliament was in recess and he being out of the country.

With only a couple of month(s) left of Tony Blair’s 10 years as PM this scandal may also rock Brown’s leadership bid. Many Labour MPs now seriously think there is going to be a challenge for the leadership.

John McDonnell, a leading leftwing Labour MP who has announced plans to challenge Mr Brown, said: "Up until now, there’s been almost a consensus that Brown is the natural successor to Blair. Now, questions about his competence are being raised. Increasingly, members of the Labour Party are looking for a proper contest."

Since the next general election in the UK won’t happen until 2009 or 2010 one can also ponders over what the voters might think in this question and in many other Brown issues. Are they willing to have a Prime Minster that acts like he’s totally incompetent?

Back home

I’m home again after a very long and busy week in London, but as usual it was a very nice stray. On Friday night Philip described me as a very much London girl who just happened to live elsewhere from time to time. An epithet I felt quite proud to receive. So I guess now I’m part of London as much as London is part of me.

Since I haven’t blogged in a almost a week there will of course be plenty of posts coming up about London, but right now the only thing I’m planning on doing is going to bed. My room at The Strand Place had just been refurbished and was very nice, but there is nothing like your own bed. Somehow also London has the effect on me that I don’t sleep enough while being there, so when I get home I'm very sleepy. Zzzz…