Somehow we got talking about women working in the male dominated jobs (IT) and (the few) women who become top executives. Having spent almost 10 years in IT departments I told him as a woman you adapt a special style, a male style, without thinking about it. The problem is when you leave the male dominated world you still act this way, and now the men become afraid of you. Just because you somewhat act like a man… But in this world a woman shouldn’t act like this. That’s when you get called Iron Lady or Ice Queen. Becoming a top executive you have to adapt a similar attitude.
My colleague, seeing it from a male perspective and being a bit older and wiser, had a much better explanation. You women worry too much and think too much. It’s in your genes. Everything you do have to be perfect. You, your job, your family and the balance in between. Stop listen to that voice inside your head and don’t look at your shortcomings. Men never do! You are all so very smart and bright, but you don't let yourself believe that.
This article from Wall Street Journal says more or less the same as my colleague. Looks like he very much knows the female psyche. Or he’s just a very wise and experienced man, and the reason why I like him so much.
The word "balance" should be banished from women's vocabularies, said Carol Bartz, executive chairman of the board of Autodesk. "Balance equals perfection, which none of us are, so I think we just have to get over it, otherwise [women] spend all their time being guilty," which causes stress and limits their goals.
…
Getting to the top requires setting goals and persevering -- along with a willingness to seek stretch assignments that challenge and yield broader experiences, said Laura Desmond, CEO of Starcom MediaVeset/the Americas.
That is how men advance. And, like their male counterparts, women must learn to stop listing their shortcomings when an opportunity arises, and to give themselves time to learn a new job.
3 comments:
In many ways, this makes me question every thing that I was taught to believe about myself and my gender. From a young girl, I was told that if you work hard, you can have it all. "Bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan" was the mantra, straight from a 70s television commercial. Are we now seeing that we can't have it all...we can't be perfect mothers, employees, employers and citizens of this world? I know this is an issue that I, along with many friends struggle with.
I have been told many a time that I am intimidating; told by co-workers, by boyfriends, by professional peers. Is a man ever told this? I doubt it...he's confident, certain and other positive attributes.
Until now, I've never considered that for a woman, the outwardly visible, strong attitude may be an over compensation for her own internal fears. If we know our short comings, do we fear that others will see them and find us to be less worthy? Interesting idea.
I intend to reflect on my own attitude this week and see if I can determine what is triggering the attitude, both externally and internally. --- I hope I do not find that I am using this exercise to indentify another shortcoming that I as a woman have...
It’s very interesting what you are saying Steph. I too grew up with the mantra you can have it all if you want to. And seeing now that it might not be possible is both scary and thought provoking.
I really don’t have the answer to why things are this way, but lately I have started to realize that even though I don’t have it all and things aren’t as perfect as I wish they where, I’m good enough and things are good enough. And I'm happy about it. If nobody really cares besides me, and I don’t care, who cares then?! Nobody.
I remember that 70s commercial, too, but my mother always told me, "You can have all YOU want. You just can't have it all all the time."
Problem is, women believe they CAN have it all ALL the time. Can you have a job and a family? Sure. But you better guarantee that someday you'll have to decide to miss the board meeting or the ballet recital. Can you be tough as nails and caring? Of course you can, but it's going to take a strong, smart man to know that you are.
I wish I felt more sympathy for my own gender, but I just end up irritated at women when I read how we question what we are supposed to be and do and should we seek this or that or the other thing?
I'm a strong woman. I am a smart woman. And I've had no tolerance for the men in my life who didn't get that. Every breakup I've ever had was over the guy thinking I was too strong and self-assured and i didn't need him enough or my career was too important. Two words for them all: too bad.
See, men get told that they should be out there, doing stuff. Women get told that it's ok to do things as long as everyone gets along. As long as the woman is still the soft touch.
You can be a soft touch. But it doesn't get you up the ladder. The women in the WSJ article know it. Forget balance. It doesn't exist. And forget getting noticed if you never toot your own horn or you don't go after the bigger assignments or whatever.
Women live in constant fear of something, and it's usually attached to "someone won't like me if..."
I am more like a man than any other woman I know, and I get along much better with men than with women. I was always raised to go after what I wanted, and that everything else was secondary. Popularity was secondary. Dates were secondary. Marriage was for a looong, loooooong way down the line, if ever at all.
The upside is that I never, ever worry in a business setting about much of anything. I say what I think, and I offer the best counsel I can. I tell prospective bosses in interviews, "I will do whatever you ask of me from 9-5, but I will not not offer you my opinion. As long as I can disagree with you, and we can still work together, I'm your gal."
I'm not interested in being the perfect hostess, the perfect PR maven, the perfect writer, the perfect girlfriend. I will never be any of those. I will simply be the best at each of them that I can be, and I know that my best on Monday may not be the same as my best on Wednesday.
Luckily for me, I have both good friends and a boyfriend who understand this about me. Am I sometimes going to put my ambition before what he needs? You bet. But I will never do it maliciously, and I will never do it covertly. He'll know, because I say, "I love you to the ends of the earth, but right now, right here, I need to focus on this thing." And my girlfriends all say to me, "How do you do it? How are you never not confident that you know what you're doing?"
And the answer is because I know me.
If more women paid attention to their own inner homing devices and less attention to O magazine and Vogue and Desparate Housewives and whatever other crap media is out there, they'd be much happier.
Turn it all off. Play to your own strengths, whatever they may be and quit trying to get people to like you if you just do and be a little more. The only people you want or need to like you in the first place are the ones who know what your strengths--and weaknesses-- are, and love you for it all the same.
When you get to that place, you can have it all---because it will be all you need.
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